In a fitting tribute to that agonizingly long and painfully boring Academy Awards ceremony that occurred recently, Grant Boone takes us on a long ride to Hawaii for a look at life as a golf broadcaster for the GOLF Channel. Sorta.

By Grant Boone, Special to PGA.com

First off, a hearty congratulations to all the big winners on Oscar night, including Martin Scorcese, who took home hardware for Best Director and Best Picture for his film "The Departed," the poignant retelling of last week's Accenture Match Play Championships in which approximately none of the players NBC was counting on to spike ratings remained alive by the time Saturday's quarterfinals rolled around. Further ruffling Peacock feathers -- at least in terms of generating interest among American golf fans -- Sunday's finals proved to be a foreign picture, with Sweden's Henrik Stenson outlasting Aussie Geoff Ogilvy.

The category I was most interested in was Documentary Shorts, which sounds like an article of clothing that may've done the trick for Jody "Babydol" Gibson as she was living out the events of her life which would eventually comprise her expose, "Secrets of a Hollywood SuperMadam," which hits newsstands this week. Actually, the Documentary Short I was most into was the LPGA's 54-hole Fields Open in Hawaii, which I anchored for GOLF Channel and which, fittingly, was played in Hawaii and which was won by Stacy Prammanasudh.

If there's one question I'm asked more than any other when people find out what I do for a living, it's, "How did you get this job?" If there's a question I get asked second-most, it's, "Seriously, how did you?" And then third, it's, "How do you spell Stacy Prammanasudh?" Answer: with no "e."

Consider this week's GMT is a backstage pass into the world of televised golf.

"And action!"

Tuesday, February 20

11:02 a.m. -- At DFW airport, I check my e-mail prior to my nine-hour flight to Honolulu. Good news! An extremely benevolent Nigerian prince has seen fit to bequeath to me $4 billion and only needs the routing number to my checking account! What luck! Now I won't have to worry about buying my Viagra on sale, which is being generously offered in the next e-mail. The last message is from my former PGA Tour Radio cohort and still-current buddy Randy Brown, who is neither Nigerian nor a Viagra user (though I've heard whispers that he redeems the occasional coupon). Randy has forwarded me a link to a short web movie -- maybe four minutes -- that I suspect is yet another schmaltzy attempt to be inspirational but instead is just annoying. This one is different. See for yourself at http://www.tacmovie.com/. I sit in Terminal D and weep. My first of 20 events this season is off to a rough start. I haven't even left the state, and I'm already hopelessly homesick.

Something:40 p.m. -- We're cruising over no place or time zone in particular at 39,000 feet, which sounds frighteningly high until I remember seeing the video of the skydiver who survived neither of his two chutes opening. I feel better.

3:12 p.m. -- Eva Mendes is on the cover of American Airlines' in-flight magazine, which I'm told I'm free to take home. (Mendes is not included.) Seeing her and the mole on her cheek reminds me of the one on my daughter's bottom lip, which along with the top lip and the rest of her turns five years old today. Happy birthday, A.C. Homesick again.

3:31 p.m. -- Lunch! I perk up.

3:31:00.07 -- I remember it's airplane lunch.

4:13 p.m. (HST) -- Touchdown! We land safely in Honolulu. Didn't need the inoperable chutes.

4:31 p.m. -- The woman at the Avis counter has bad news: they're out of midsize cars. Will I settle for a Cadillac? Yes, but don't let it happen again. Next time, you'll have my Flintstone Edition Ford Focus gassed up and ready or I'll have your head!

5:55 p.m. -- Brian "Hammer" Hammons, my GOLF Channel colleague, has done the dirty work for me in setting up a room at the Ihilani Resort and Spa on the same property as the host course for the tournament, Ko Olina Golf Club. Atta boy, Hammer! Just for that, I'll keep it in the short grass.

8:55 p.m. -- Room service, shower, bedtime. Not necessarily in that order.

Wednesday, February 21

4:07 a.m. -- It's after 8 a.m. back home, so I'm up. Then back down, then up again.

9:30 a.m. -- One of my announcing partners for the week, Rosie Jones, and I hop in a cart and take a spin around the golf course, stopping to chat up a few players, caddies, and spouses. We get a 2-for-1 on the eighth hole where we find Prammanasudh and her caddy/hubby Pete Upton. Earlier in the week, they'd been to an international market and bought superhero belt buckles -- Superman for her (the "S" stands for Stacy, she says) and Batman for him. Prammanasudh has an announcement to make, and she honors us by allowing us to know first: she's not pregnant, though the new golf shirts she's begun wearing do have a maternity look to them, she tells us. The only thing she'll deliver anytime soon is her second Tour title.

11:17 a.m. -- A volunteer at the 17th tells us he's from Cleveland and claims he used to be neighbors with GOLF Channel anchor Vince Cellini. He asks us to say hey to Vince for him. It would take too long to explain that I don't actually live in Orlando where Cellini does and, therefore, likely won't see him any sooner than he will. But to make good on a promise: Vince, the volunteer at 18, the one who used to be your neighbor, he says hey.

Noon -- At the pre-tournament production meeting, Beth Hutter -- the first and only female to produce a golf telecast in TV history -- makes sure everyone knows each other. I'll be joined in the booth by Dottie Pepper and on the course by Rosie, Kay Cockerill, and Brandi Seymour. Beth then goes over the plans for the week, which include:

1) showing lots of women hitting golf shots

2) rinse

3) repeat

Sounds easy enough unless you're sitting on Hutter's hot seat, staring at a wall of monitors, each with a different golfer at various points before, during, or after a golf shot. Hutter doesn't act like someone making history, but she does have her act together, which always makes it easier for the announcers and production crew.

4:17 p.m. -- Over to the fitness center for a quick workout. Sophie Gustafson is waiting for me. (It's possible she's here by coincidence.) We exercise pari passu as Natalie Gulbis enters. We make small talk. (Sophie's choice, meanwhile, is to tune me out, not unlike her husband, former LPGA commissioner Ty Votaw, used to.) Gulbis informs me her calendar shoots are getting easier -- she's done three now -- mainly because her agent has arranged it so that she basically shows up, strips down to whatever teeny patch of fabric that particular month calls for, and has her picture taken. I tell her the Men of The GOLF Channel Calendar is due out any day now. She politely giggles and wears a look that indicates she's reconsidering her workout and possibly even a career on the LPGA Tour if it means having me follow her around the world.

6:02 p.m. -- Dinner with some of the crew, including Rosie, Kay, director Emmett Loughran, and some of their significant others. We're dining at world-famous Roy's Restaurant, which is on the golf course property. We learn this locale is not only the 33rd Roy's restaurant but also has the distinction of being the only one I've ever been to. Roy's is famous for what's known as Hawaiian Fusion Cuisine, which is a fancy way of saying he's going to serve a couple of island dishes and then whatever else he wants.

9:22 p.m. -- The first round and our first telecast is tomorrow. I hope I remember how to do this.

Next week, The Sequel, including wardrobe malfunctions, two-stroke penalties, and my breakfast with the commissioner. (Hey, it couldn't be an Oscar-themed column without running long.)

Grant Boone is a husband, father, golf broadcaster, and sports journalist based in Abilene, Texas. His column appears on PGA.com each Wednesday and every day during major championships and other big events. He can be contacted at pgagrant@hotmail.com.

The views and opinions expressed here do not reflect those of PGA.com or The PGA of America.